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Thursday, December 24th, 2009

evildarkwarlock

2:23a Meow Meow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNwCojCJ3-Q&feature=player_embedded Hee hee. current mood: pleased

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Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

evildarkwarlock

1:44a I've heard that bitches get stitches. Confirm/deny? Always do I greet you, eldritch Journal. You are among several things i truly like, despite your lack of use. Is it strange that I consider you an old pal, always ready to jot down my caterwaulings, with a nary word to the contrary. My silent confidante, never judgmental, merely observing as my life unfolds. And i need not wonder about your intentions, as your cold, unfeeling interface is a constant reminder of your inhuman Nature. I'd say that I digress, but one must "gress" as it were, to digress. I can not for sure really describe the mood that I am in, save that I feel the urge to jot myself down electronically. I feel like 2010 will be a transformative year for me. I'm growing my hair long again, and for some strange reason I feel empowered. Perhaps because again my outside is a reflection of my inside; something unique and quite out of the ordinary. I feel more confident, like I matter, and capable of tackling almost anything. It's saddening, really, how important my appearance is. I plan on losing weight in 2010, so i've kinda just let go and enjoyed the holiday season. IE, I've gotten fat XD WoW has become a daily expenditure of my time, and though i'm not necessarily happy with it, I've little else to do. Ergo, i have a shaman in full tier 9 XD I don't necessarily identify with the shaman as a character, but in retrospect it is fitting; kind of an odd character that doesn't really have a pre-defined niche in a lot, or most fantasy genres. I'd like to get to college, but am concerned with the financial aspect of it. The prospect of working a menial job i barely tolerate is more concerning, however, so i must do everything in my power to ensure I can complete my studies. Josh, I think, will be a big help with that, in keeping me motivated and whatnot. A thought occurred to me, borne out of my experience with a multitude of games, and it is as follows: "Given any sufficiently complex system, I will be entertained" Am I an intelligent person? Am I really? One could superficially, say so. I don't think that's necessarily accurate however. From my observations of my reactions/thoughts vs. The general Majority, I feel that perhaps i perceive events/situations/the world differently from most. My schema is different, as I learned in AP Psychology. I feel almost disconnected from the real world. Not in a literal, medication requiring sense, but on a more subtle level. I don't...think, i suppose you could say, about the majority of my actions. They always just seem like what I should do. Josh brought this to my attention; he loves to plan events and feels without a plan that things will fail. It has been my experience, however, that simply doing something without planning ends up working out splendidly for me. I've reached the point where i can no longer recall the original intent of my journal entry. I wish that I had some manner of discipline in my writing, i feel i could be an amazing author if i could ever stick with it/not get bored. I despise this state, though not the people in it. I don't have much of a family anymore. I've decided i must create my own. Josh, Jose, Nate, Errk, Ben, they are all a part of it. The metaphysical aspect of life intrigues me. Is there truly something beyond my senses? Am I so encumbered by my physical body that i am incapable of perceiving the wonders around me? Or is the world truly so drab, so boring, and not filled with mystery? Do I wish to live in such a world? What If i die, and that's it? No afterlife, no great understanding, just existence one second and then none. Even my great dream of living eternally has been vanquished in reading about the ultimate state of the universe several eons from now. Ie, heat death and the like. How did our universe begin? What triggered this? What was outside of it? I think perhaps the fact that we exist is the single greatest proof of a creator. This begs the question, however, who created the creator? The concept of "always has existed, and always will" Defies my understanding. Infinity has that effect. I think, if reincarnation exists, I'd like to come back in my next life as a Tiger. Surprise surprise. even the concept of reincarnation is scary though. I mean, it'd be an amazing comfort to know that I have a soul, and that i shall always exist in some form or another. But i'd never get to keep that info. I would become, again, an empty vessel, ready for a new life. I seem to recall being a small child and being quite sure i had lived before. And being aware of the concept of death, yet not fearing it. I don't have a lot of memories from when i was a child. I don't have a lot of memories period. I love very much in the present, almost painfully so. It is a blessing and a curse; i can for example not really recall a great deal of the trauma growing up inflicted, due to the situation i lived in; however the few good times elude me as well. Such a long, spaced out entry. It's almost like i'm saying, passive aggressively, don't read this. TLDR, and whatnot. I don't know how i feel about that. current mood: indescribable current music: Scissor Sisters- Intermission

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